Following My Fear

The grip of fear. It is something we all feel at times and it literally chokes the zest of life out of us and keeps us standing still in a thick bog of self doubt at times. Can you remember the last time you felt that way? Are you there right now? I certainly am.

It is the madness of my mind that one day I can be full of life and belief that anything is possible and then, the very next day, nothing is possible. Suddenly I am standing in a smelly, wretched bog of fear and my creativity has flown away into the distant sunshine. How does the mind play such tricks when nothing, absolutely nothing has changed to cause that fear to rise in the first place? That alone is a reminder of just how powerful a tool the mind is if we harness it correctly. It certainly is a master of chaos when left alone.

So, I am standing in the middle of my fear at the moment and, as the mud is seeping into my boots, I have been struggling to set myself free. I have been fighting against my fears, wriggling this way and that to get away from it in a fit of huffing and flailing arms and then giving up until I get my breath back. I have been feeling lost and unsure of which way to turn to rid myself of this state of mind.

But then it occurred to me this morning what the real problem is. Instead of allowing my fear to exist and following her to see why she is here I am fighting her. Since when did fighting get any of us anywhere other than into trouble?

I need to stop that right now. Instead of fighting my fear I am going to allow her to sit there quietly next to me and see why she is occurring in the first place. Fears are based on irrational lessons we have learnt at some point and, to our subconscious mind, those fears make sense. Perhaps by getting to know my fear instead of batting her away, I will set myself free. Perhaps simply by knowing that it is okay to feel fear, by allowing her to sit quietly at my desk as I write and watch as I show her an alternative life of joy and laughter, fear will in time settle down.

When fear loses its significance and power over me and becomes an acceptable, perhaps welcome, visitor I can transform her. I can mould her gently into something new that need not hold me back as I pursue my dreams in life.

 

Fear can become my friend, my way of knowing when I need to look deeper to heal old wounds.

Isn’t it sad that we allow our fears to hold us back instead of them being a tool of discovery and investigation? Each of us has fears, whether we choose to admit it or not, and we hold ourselves back from our true power and beauty in life by sitting in the shadow of fear. We all have dreams we didn’t pursue, talents and passions we thought were second rate and not good enough to be shared. How different would the world be if each of us allowed ourselves to shine and let fear fade away?
That is my work at the moment, allowing myself to reconnect to my peace and begin to shine again in my own small ways. I am starting with a healthy dose of play this weekend amongst nature, my favourite breakfast and a reminder that I am doing my best to transform. I am trying every day to follow my dreams fearlessly, I am trying to make a difference and it is okay that right now I feel a little lost as I stomp about in the bog.
Today I am going to sit in my mud pit of fear, eat my marmalade on toast and raise a big steaming mug of English tea to the sunshine. I am going to make it a comfortable place to be, hope the mud doesn’t ruin my clothes and see what the day brings.

Inspire Me

Endless Light and Love – Life is so ironic

Prose over Bros – Relax

Miss Centsible – Speak quietly to yourself

Totally Inspired Mind – Do It badly, do it slowly

Bourbon Tea – Hooray for play

Intuition Calling

Please listen to me. I am trying to tell you how tired I am, how deeply I need to rest. Please place your hands on your heart and listen to your Intuition, me, and hear my words. I am so tired of shouting my needs on your deaf ears as you charge forwards in life and don’t take the time to let me catch up. I am giving you an opportunity to fall backwards into the safe and loving arms of your protector, your loved one, and I promise he will catch you.

Will you finally let me rest and heal?

Let me rest on a soft feathery pillow that has the lightest scent of spring jasmine blossom and envelopes me with dreams and the early morning light falling upon my soul. The healing hands of sleep, of letting go in order to heal. Please lean back into your loved ones arms and let your shoulders drop. Breathe deeply, feel the warmth of true love catch you and hear his slow and steady heartbeat telling you he won’t go. Exhale your troubles gently, let them fly free like dandelion clocks whisked away in the summer breeze. Up, up and away into the clouds. Close your eyes, inhale slowly and dare to dream. Let the light white clouds of a clear blue sky fill you up, heal you with their wisps and curls and ever-changing nature. Admire their round underbellies as they wander past your mind quietly and carry your dreams to the stars. If you look closely at them reflected in your sleeping eyes, you will see their sparkling silver linings. They are always there and if you’d just let yourself be, you would see them. Your mind would quieten and see the joy in each cloud, the opportunity to heal and grow.

The world can wait my dear, you will come back to it when you are ready, so right now please listen to me and rest. Let me bring you back to yourself. All I ask of you is time and your stillness to let me do so. Still your mind, still your body and let me heal your heart and soul with my words. You will come back brighter, stronger and come back as you; all of you.

Just rest. Let go and your Intuition will guide you

I wonder if you know how tired I became as you ran me up and down mountains in the blazing heat this summer? I tried to tell you with sore muscles, with chest pains and that nagging feeling, my voice telling you to slow down. But you didn’t listen to me; you just made me run faster and harder. I know you were trying to escape your inner self at times, trying to cope with the chatter of your mind. We all run away at times, distract ourselves with tasks and stories rather than listening quietly to what we need. I know you ran every one of those miles for those you loved and missed, for those you couldn’t see anymore in this life. You were trying to place your losses in a ribbon-tied box called ‘Done and Dusted’ whilst ignoring the voice inside that needed time to adjust. I think you know that no matter how many geographical miles you put between yourself and your past, you carried your pain forwards despite your efforts to ignore it. It chafed on your shoulders like an old and worn rucsac reminding you of where you had been and it hurt me too.

I looked up at the silver lined clouds when you found the courage to look yourself in the mirror and cry. I saw your vulnerability as you stopped trying to tie your past with a ribbon and finally you let it go. I was proud as you stopped trying to make your pain pretty and perfect. Did you see how he held your hand as you let it go and accepted your imperfect past as something that gave you strength and character?

It is okay to cry, to have fears and vulnerability. Choose to be open

Lean on those you love and accept your past is a part of you but it has no influence upon today. It is no more important than tomorrow, for really there is only ever now and everything is as it should be.

With your tears dried, with another part of your pain dropped by the wayside I carried you onwards in the sunshine and we laughed. We giggled and smiled atop the ocean waves as your dreams came true and I hoped that in the next chapter you would rest. For in every grand adventure there comes a time for sleep and I needed it but wanted to see you enjoy your dream. I held fast, I stiffened my muscles and supported you always, without complaint.

I wonder if you know how tired I became weeks later as we found ourselves innocent and caught up in places that we had no place being and no escape. I could feel your fear and sense of utter helplessness as your chest tightened, the colour drained from your face and you simply fell apart inside. You held tightly to your friends, you prayed like never before and felt the adrenaline surge through your body and mind as you tried to cope. You longed to be anywhere but there and your friends pulled you through with their love and support. They fought for you and you made it, yet you barely stopped for a moment to recover. Overnight we were living in another country, visiting your wonderful family and friends and moving forwards yet again with smiles and sunshine. But what of me? Did you not hear me pulling the cloak of exhaustion over you so you would rest and heal? No, I didn’t think so. Instead of listening to your intuition you worked hard at achieving magnificent new dreams; of diving, of moving to Egypt, of falling deeply in love, of writing thousands of words all at once. You pushed yourself to know everything overnight, to bear no scars, to swim hard, to run hard, to be perfect.

And so now I bring you this. If it takes illness to make you stop and pay attention so be it. I am your Intuition and I am telling you to slow down. You are perfectly you and I adore you always. Because of that I will make you rest and keep on making you lean into the arms of your loved one until you let me heal you. I need you to lower your expectations of who you should be and just be you. Drop the self-criticism, drop the agenda and treat yourself with love and kindness every single day. I see your thoughts, your expectations of yourself and they swirl like a flurry of autumnal leaves in your mind. Go now, fall back into that soft jasmine-scented pillow and learn to love who you are, just as you are. Let go of your frustration at being worn out, let your scars be part of your beauty and realise everything is as it should be. You don’t need to push yourself all the time, you don’t need to always achieve and you don’t need to be anything other than you. You can just be beautiful, wonderful you. I will keep on reminding you of this and make you rest. Listen closely for soon we will rejoin the world and continue to weave our dreams together. Shine brightly with turquoise oceans and golden sands and create a new tomorrow. But until then sleep tight.

Intuition ~ the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift ~ Albert Einstein

For my dear friend recovering from cancer. May you listen to your Intuition closely sweetheart and rest awhile, especially as you start your journey of rejoining the crazy world we live in next week. May you take all the time you need to heal emotionally, to sleep on soft pillows and love yourself every day. Please know you are beautiful yesterday, today and tomorrow xxx

•  Intuition-open-closed – Those who feed the birds
• Rest and Re-Creation – Musings & Mysteries
• You are where you need to be – Dyan Diamond
• Embracing the unexpected – Leap Like A Frog

SuperHero Pants

 

It would appear that I have nothing to say right now, try as I might to find some words of use to this world. Words that will make someone laugh, make someone smile, feel loved and inspired. My inspiration and motivation have apparently packed their bags, taken hold of each others’ hands and left me alone with my cup of steaming tea. They have decided it is vacation time and have sauntered off to the nearest cafe before they catch the train called Holiday.

For the past few days my head has been scanning wildly for these much loved friends of mine as I have fought feeling restless, ill at ease and unmotivated. My shoulders have tightened in their absence. I have leg ache from trying to find them as I ran daily along the beach, shouting their names to the wind. I tried dancing on the disused railway track with my Ipod in order to bring them back but it didn’t help. I have mourned their loss and hoped they will come back to me soon with tales of their adventures. We had such a beautiful week together prior to the last few days. Every day was full of passion, new experiences, possibilities, love and laughter. Now I am left with an overcast sky framing the mountains around me and an inability to write.

As I searched on WordPress this morning for some inspiration to bring me back to my senses I came upon this post ‘Not a Lot to Say’ by Forest Four The Trees. It had been reblogged on one of my favourites blogs The Live Simply Community. It was just meant to be read by me today. It made me laugh out loud at myself as I choked on my cup of tea. It made me step back and drop my shoulders as I reminded myself to stop putting so much pressure on me. It is okay not to feel inspirational, motivated and full of fire this week.

 

It is perfectly acceptable if I just take off my SuperHero Pants, toss them aside and forget about being that part of me. In fact I may even put my pants on my head for a moment

 

It is okay to sit on my bottom, eat cake and do sweet nothing until I feel ready to move forwards. I am not achieving much and I am probably inspiring no-one but let it be. Time will bring back my friends Inspiration and Motivation when they have enjoyed their holiday and decided to come home to the aftersun lotion.

In the meantime, I will spend my lull giving thanks for ten wonderful moments that have happened this week. Moments that simply made me smile and breathe out contentedly.

 

They have more than made up for the lack of SuperHero pants

 

1. The storms in Cape Town washed up a Portugese Man O War jellyfish onto the beach. I didn’t know they were such a bright azure blue. Stunning
2. I have run 25Km this week so far and loved every step across the golden sands
3. I am blessed with new friendships this year that bring me peace, happiness and creativity
4. I saw two humpback whales breach simultaneously as I worked on the ocean waves. I never knew whales could sigh until I listened closely
5. I sat on my patio and listened to the trees rustling in the breeze. I fell asleep to their music
6. I shared good food and wine with dear friends and we created new possibilities for future work
7. I got stuck inside my duvet cover as I tried to make my bed late one night. I laughed a lot at my duvet jellyfish creation
8. I realised just how much someone cares about me and felt humbled by their unconditional love
9. I experienced the magic that is chocolate and marshmallow cake at my favourite cafe
10. I spoke to every member of my immediate family. I am so lucky we are all well, safe and happy