Tag Archives: journey

Vulnerable & Free

 

“Reach out to me with your gentle heart. Let me see your sunshine and smiling face, your laughter and your glory. Let me hold your hand and enjoy the moments of celebration in life as we share a picnic on summer meadows filled with nature’s beauty. Butterflies kiss the air overhead with the beating of their wings. Let us laugh, recalling success and happiness as we find shapes and faces in the fluffy clouds passing by.

But let me also witness your storms, your failures and your fears. Let me sit by you through your moods and emotions, your darkness and your sorrows. Show me the shame sitting heavily in the palm of your hand that weighs down your limitless mind with thoughts of I Am Not Enough. Whisper in my ear the admission that you too have moments of insecurity, moments of not knowing which way to turn. That you doubt in tomorrow and hold your pain from yesterday. Don’t hide from me the tears in your eyes as you tell me you cannot go another step because it is too much. Let me see those tears. Let me understand all of you.

Let me share with you my cup of tea and be the gentle hand upon your shoulder. The soothing voice that tells you everything is okay, that you are okay. The warmth that tucks a soft blanket around your knees. The kindness that passes you the last biscuit from the tin whilst you curl deeply into the armchair. Breathe and know I am by your side. Watch the roaring fire as the storms in your mind fade away.

Let me be your friend. Let me see all of you and love every moment, every aspect of who you are. For what you see as character flaws and physical imperfections are what make you so very unique. Unique as a snowflake. Each one equally as vital, as important, in creating the beautiful hush of snow across our wintery world. Your vulnerability and shame that you think ought to be hidden away are what make you real. Show me your vulnerability and shame and you are showing me true courage. And with that open heart, that courage, the world and all her love will be yours.”

 

As I read that passage I am reminded of the fact that we all have vulnerability at our core whether we care to admit that or not. Each and every one of us holds it deep in our hearts and tries to push it down alongside fear and insecurity. As humans we are inclined to only show the very best parts of us. The shiny, the incredible, the magnificent, the awesome. We hide the traits we see as less desirable, we hide our fears and longing for connection. We diet, we have surgery, we lie, we cut and dice away in the hope we can become someone else. Yet all we achieve by doing so is never truly answering the question

 

Who Am I?

 

Instead we perpetuate the belief I Am Not Enough.

 

Like everyone else I try to hide away my darkness and my vulnerability. I diet, I think I am not enough at times and it is an incredibly painful journey accepting who I am. But slowly I am being vulnerable, facing my fears and being All of Me. I am starting to realise I am as unique as a snowflake and equally as valuable as the next. Just the way I am.

 

So why do I mention this today? Because yesterday I had the privilege of being awarded a Versatile Blogger award.

 

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This is an award given by fellow bloggers as a sign of appreciation, respect, and support for their offerings to the blogosphere.  A huge part of my journey has been the discovery of my passion for writing and the creation of my blog. By writing I have found my voice and have begun to find my way back to me. Without writing I wouldn’t be where I am today and I certainly wouldn’t be expressing my vulnerability and facing my fears. I would still be hiding parts of me away.

 

As friends old and new have read my words they have shared their own fears, the ‘Oh me too. I so do that!’ moments and inspired me. I have become part of an online community that I adore and have found daily inspiration, laughter and support through the words of other bloggers. To think that my writing is a part of this community and is valued leaves me humbled and touched.

 

And who is the fellow writer that kindly nominated me for this award? The wonderful DaveCenker. Thank you so much Dave. It means the world to me. For those of you that are not already reading Dave’s blog, you are seriously missing out. His writing is powerful, insightful and uplifting when you need it most. His aim in life is to Inspire and Be Inspired and he does just that. Check him out today.

 

There are an agreed upon set of rules that accompany this award. You are asked to nominate up to 15 other bloggers to receive the award and you are asked to share seven things that people might not know about you.

 

So here we go. My seven facts, vulnerability and fears included.

  • I walked into my glass patio door last week. I had forgotten it was closed
  • I am addicted to granola and dry Bran Flakes. I eat them at least twice a day, every day
  • My greatest loves are eating, running, the ocean and her sharks, writing, red wine, inspiring others and books
  • I won a Care Bears colouring in competition as child. I can still picture the drawing, the pens and the prize cuddly bear vividly. Precious memory.
  • My greatest fears are emotional intimacy, realising my potential, dying alone, having my wings clipped and waves.
  • I sleep on my stomach, spread out like a starfish
  • I am 34 and I have a bear called Hugs. He is awesome.

 

Now for my nominations for the Versatile Blogger award. These are blogs that, whether they know it or not, are much appreciated by me. Some I have known for a while and some are new to me. Their writing and images bring sunshine to my day, inspire and encourage me when I need it most. Thank you.

Bucket List Publications, Cupcake ‘n’ Sunshine, Talinorfali, The Snazzy Turtle, Leap Like A Frog, Morning Story & Dilbert, The Better Man Project, You Can’t Hide The Spark, Forest Four The Trees

 

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Dog Tired Wings

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Who knew growing new wings could be exciting and yet so tiring. A wing-production roller coaster of a ride. I have found myself pretty dog tired today. I am on the verge of leaving behind all that is familiar and safe to me in order to chase my dreams. To live my authentic, creative life surrounded by my true passions and loves. To live in the sunshine being a dive instructor, a singer, writer, artist and hoping my life path will inspire others to take a chance on their dreams. It sounds amazing, it is amazing. I just hadn’t realised I would feel so tired inbetween the crazy excitement of these changes. Someone pass me my blanket, a bonio and a warm fire please. And whilst you’re there could you give my tummy a tickle? Thank you darling.

I mentioned in my first blog the ‘interesting and challenging’ events of the past few years and it’s fair to say that yes they have left their mark. Some are very funny marks and moments and are a great story to share. But there are also some deep, murky marks and I am busy excavating these at the moment.

I leave the UK in seven weeks time to start the next chapter of my life, which I have loving titled Book 2. I am going to broaden my horizons, my life and spread new wings. Smile at the sun and fly free to be me. No-one has stopped me from doing this before but, like many people, I bowed under the pressure of expectations from myself to conform and be what others expected of me. To put aside my dreams in order to please others and keep me firmly in my conventional, somewhat musty cardboard box. Well stuff that, I am busting out of my box one kick at a time. This path has been twelve years in the making – yes, alright my box is made of quite thick cardboard and I had found myself quite comfortable in there at times.

In order to leave feeling truly free I am clearing out all of my belongings and we all know that means I am also clearing out my mental clutter and hopefully healing old wounds. Not an easy task, as I have clung onto every childhood toy and have the remnants of a three bed house and all her furniture and stuff to let go of. But I have done it. I spent the last few weeks clearing through every box, relived every moment and cried and laughed my way through it all. I was confronted with happy memories of my beautiful mum who died nearly three years ago now, sad memories of the loss of my wonderful woolly Airedales and the pain that came with two fiancés walking away and leaving behind two lives for me to dispose of. And the best bit….the childhood toys. They were hilarious and it had me in stitches when I realised the crap I kept. I think my favourite had to be my Take That tour programmes from the 1990s with my hand written comments from each tour of when a member of Take That waved/winked/pointed at ME. Of course they were waving at me. Evidently I believed I would be marrying Howard from Take That (according to my comments) and yes I also spent a day camped outside Robbie Williams’ house once. I was that cool. My friend tried to steal his pants from his washing line but sadly she couldn’t climb over the high garden wall despite our best efforts. Robbie I am very sorry we tried to steal your underwear.

Anyway, I have done it and recycled, sold and given away everything other than some basic furniture and the kit I will need to take with me for life overseas. I would like to say it has left me feeling free but so far it has left me feeling a wee bit tired and surprised at the result. I feel like I have pulled this massive sticky plaster off my face and it has unexpectedly whipped off my features in the process. Eyebrows, lady moustache and all. I didn’t expect that to happen.

Having done all of this clearing out of the old, I am busy growing my new wings and they are fine wings indeed. I am on the most incredible journey right now and these wings are going to support me through thick and thin. They need to be both beautiful to the eye and sturdy. Somewhere between angel wings, swan wings and ‘built to fly all day’ albatross wings. Definitely not Dodo stump wings. This could be an interesting look. So far it is going well but I think I need a rest. I am perched on the edge of my cliff, looking at the abyss and testing out my prototype wings before I leap.

So if you will excuse me I am going to take myself off for a rest, burrow down into my blankets and snore like an old dog without a care in the world. My wings can wait for tomorrow. 50 sleeps and counting.