I Am Going Slightly Mad

Image

This has been a weird week, more ups and downs than your average rollercoaster and I seem to have experienced every emotion under the sun. Every female emotion under the sun. That’s not to say men don’t experience these things but I’m going with ‘female’ in that my moods have resulted in the following reactions to said low mood that I associate with being a woman. Namely:

a)      I feel low, I will eat every item in the house that contains sugar and, yes, now I feel sick and have a deep sense of loathing for my lack of control. Oh my god I have instantly put on weight

b)      I feel low, I will cry at anything and everything and very loudly

c)       I feel low, I have no-one to hold me. See, this is proof that I will die alone surrounded by dogs and with a big beard because I am destined to be furry when I am old. It’s a family trait, chicks with beards.

d)      I feel low, therefore the world has actually ended. Nothing matters other than how sad I am and obviously I will never feel any better, ever, because nobody cares

e)      I feel low and now I weigh 2lbs more from biscuit consumption. I swear I can no longer see my feet due to the excess fat

Yep, I think that is a fair evaluation of how it has been in my world this week. Bizarre to say the least and quite funny in retrospect from my point of view. I have spent a large proportion of the week at war with my scales. They are lying to me. I am convinced I have put on weight, absolutely convinced but the scales keep saying I’m losing weight. Normally I would trust them but I think they must be lying as I have eaten a LOT of biscuits and there is a definite hint of a gut going on there. In a bid to discover if the scales are lying I have taken to weighing myself in various positions on the scales….on one foot, leaning as far forward as possible, leaning as far backward as possible, breathing in, breathing out and weighing myself at different times of the day. It has kind of become a mini project and I still can’t figure out what is going on with them. How can I be losing weight when I just ate an entire packet of chocolate digestives (oh I am so proud of that achievement). I also tried measuring my waist with a tape measure but that told me I had put on weight, which I didn’t like to hear, so the tape measure must be wrong too. I do believe there will be no winner in this debate, neither the tape measure nor scales are making me happy this week. I think they have both ganged up on me and I am quite confused, irrational and tired as a result.

I stepped back to think about the crazy going on in my mind this week and realised it’s all because of these big life changes I am going through at the moment. All of my choosing and all very exciting but I think the Fear has unhinged me slightly in the last seven days. Even more so than usual. I am prone to being a bit dramatic at times ahem but this week has been something else. I tried to keep it to myself and avoided all forms of social contact but that didn’t really work. I have to go to work and speak. I ended up crying at a colleague in the office, poor love she is so good to me, hiding in the bathroom at least three times and talking to myself a great deal. I eventually talked to my dear friend that bears the brunt of this crap. Oh poor chap, he doesn’t half put up with me. In fact I honestly don’t know what he sees in me when I am like this, he must think I am batty. In fact he’d probably say he KNOWS I am batty.  But still he listens to me on the other end of the computer and actually understands and empathises with me. In his eyes it is okay.

My point today is the up side to all of this emotion. You can probably tell it has been a bit strained for me and I’m feeling like an extra from One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest right now. Pass me the sedative please. The up side has been peoples responses. I quite evidently dislike myself when I am weepy, needy, pathetic, in need of support, weepy, needy, clingy. I mean really, who likes those kind of traits? I would run a mile from me if only I could and leave me to sort myself out in a cave somewhere. Oh that would be nice, please can I have the option to do that and leave my barking mad brain in a box? BUT other people don’t treat me that way, they don’t seem to want to leave me alone and dribbling in a cave. They are quite happy to help me when I turn to them with big teary eyes asking for a hug. The biggest lesson I have learnt this week is it is okay to be me. All of me. I repeat for my own benefit

IT IS OKAY TO BE ME. ALL OF ME

You think I’d know this by 34 but past knocks have convinced me there is no space in this world for me to be anything other than perfect in front of others. I am generally an upbeat person with a smiley face and I love life. But I still have my moments of being a loon, a teary pickle and in need of being held up by the love of others. I just don’t generally let other people see that side of me if I can avoid it – this week I don’t seem to have a choice. I still can’t get my head around the concept that the less desirable sides of me are okay too but I am so humbled and grateful of peoples’ acceptance. I love the humanness in others and I like peoples’ inner crazy and inner vulnerability. It is what makes us human and it makes us all laugh when we see ourselves being daft. And surely unconditional love is about adoring someone not because of their perfection. That will always be there. It is more about loving someone in spite of themselves, in spite of the parts that are less ‘perfect’ to our society. But clearly I exempt myself from this rule. I know I am a basically decent human with a good heart but I think I need to love my inner child a bit more. You know, the fat teen with the perm that no-one else really liked at school. Can’t see why, I looked amazing with my perm and chins. The computer geek that liked to eat and get Grade A in as many subjects as possible. It seems other people love that part of me or at least work with it and see the good in who I am. The only person lagging behind and missing the big unconditional love train is me.

So, I decided to cheer myself up today and find a way to remind myself of the good in me, the good in chasing my dreams. In who I am and in how I will succeed in creating the life I want. What did I do? I joined LinkedIn. Yep, you heard me right. My antidote to sadness was to upload my CV onto a website. Does anyone else do this to get their kicks? No, thought not. But it worked, it really did work! I spent a couple of hours uploading my career history, my skills – does it count I listed enthusiasm as a skill? I went to town with my career ambitions. I re-read my profile and wondered who on earth this person is. I sound half decent on there. I think we should all do this, it is brilliant and definitely made me feel like I am awesome with a big A. Do it, do it now! And if you can’t think of anything decent to write just make it up. No-one said it had to be true. Just do it for the fun of reading it back and recognising how amazing you are.

Okay maybe you won’t want to go on LinkedIn but the method in the madness makes sense. If you’re feeling low like I have been, take a moment to write down something positive. It doesn’t matter how trivial it may seem, write it down. Write about who you are, what you dream of and why it is good to be you. And fight for those dreams, don’t give up on yourself or what matters to you.

Oh and the other thing I did, I booked an appointment to have a tattoo. I am rebelling against society by having a tattoo. But I’m not going to suggest you all do that. I don’t want to be responsible for anything permanent that you had done on the back of a bad mood. So stick with the list of happy and forgive me if I sound a touch jaded tonight. It’s because I am. But that’s okay, apparently jaded is allowed too.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s