Who knew growing new wings could be exciting and yet so tiring. A wing-production roller coaster of a ride. I have found myself pretty dog tired today. I am on the verge of leaving behind all that is familiar and safe to me in order to chase my dreams. To live my authentic, creative life surrounded by my true passions and loves. To live in the sunshine being a dive instructor, a singer, writer, artist and hoping my life path will inspire others to take a chance on their dreams. It sounds amazing, it is amazing. I just hadn’t realised I would feel so tired inbetween the crazy excitement of these changes. Someone pass me my blanket, a bonio and a warm fire please. And whilst you’re there could you give my tummy a tickle? Thank you darling.
I mentioned in my first blog the ‘interesting and challenging’ events of the past few years and it’s fair to say that yes they have left their mark. Some are very funny marks and moments and are a great story to share. But there are also some deep, murky marks and I am busy excavating these at the moment.
I leave the UK in seven weeks time to start the next chapter of my life, which I have loving titled Book 2. I am going to broaden my horizons, my life and spread new wings. Smile at the sun and fly free to be me. No-one has stopped me from doing this before but, like many people, I bowed under the pressure of expectations from myself to conform and be what others expected of me. To put aside my dreams in order to please others and keep me firmly in my conventional, somewhat musty cardboard box. Well stuff that, I am busting out of my box one kick at a time. This path has been twelve years in the making – yes, alright my box is made of quite thick cardboard and I had found myself quite comfortable in there at times.
In order to leave feeling truly free I am clearing out all of my belongings and we all know that means I am also clearing out my mental clutter and hopefully healing old wounds. Not an easy task, as I have clung onto every childhood toy and have the remnants of a three bed house and all her furniture and stuff to let go of. But I have done it. I spent the last few weeks clearing through every box, relived every moment and cried and laughed my way through it all. I was confronted with happy memories of my beautiful mum who died nearly three years ago now, sad memories of the loss of my wonderful woolly Airedales and the pain that came with two fiancés walking away and leaving behind two lives for me to dispose of. And the best bit….the childhood toys. They were hilarious and it had me in stitches when I realised the crap I kept. I think my favourite had to be my Take That tour programmes from the 1990s with my hand written comments from each tour of when a member of Take That waved/winked/pointed at ME. Of course they were waving at me. Evidently I believed I would be marrying Howard from Take That (according to my comments) and yes I also spent a day camped outside Robbie Williams’ house once. I was that cool. My friend tried to steal his pants from his washing line but sadly she couldn’t climb over the high garden wall despite our best efforts. Robbie I am very sorry we tried to steal your underwear.
Anyway, I have done it and recycled, sold and given away everything other than some basic furniture and the kit I will need to take with me for life overseas. I would like to say it has left me feeling free but so far it has left me feeling a wee bit tired and surprised at the result. I feel like I have pulled this massive sticky plaster off my face and it has unexpectedly whipped off my features in the process. Eyebrows, lady moustache and all. I didn’t expect that to happen.
Having done all of this clearing out of the old, I am busy growing my new wings and they are fine wings indeed. I am on the most incredible journey right now and these wings are going to support me through thick and thin. They need to be both beautiful to the eye and sturdy. Somewhere between angel wings, swan wings and ‘built to fly all day’ albatross wings. Definitely not Dodo stump wings. This could be an interesting look. So far it is going well but I think I need a rest. I am perched on the edge of my cliff, looking at the abyss and testing out my prototype wings before I leap.
So if you will excuse me I am going to take myself off for a rest, burrow down into my blankets and snore like an old dog without a care in the world. My wings can wait for tomorrow. 50 sleeps and counting.