Words Fail Me

ImageLet’s face it ladies and gents, we all mess it up on dates. We try so hard, we come across wrong and say/do the complete opposite of our normal relaxed selves. In short we can turn into needy, embarrassing crazy people on dates. Some of my friends are having a tough time with that little thing called Love right now. So this is for you. In a bid to cheer you guys and gals up….here is my worst date ever.

It was our first date, the first time we had met at all, my one and only Internet date and hell yeah I was out to impress. Dieting had occurred, my best heels were prised onto my feet despite the fact I couldn’t walk in them and my outfit was so tight I couldn’t breathe. Go girl! Things were going well, lunch was ordered, we were getting on famously. I was managing not to trip over my stupidly high heels or expire in my tight clothing. I was doing okay apart from choking on my salad at times – note to self, salad is not date food, balsamic vinegar sprays everywhere. Result. We talked, we laughed, he said he’d like to meet my dogs, I made up crap about liking his hobbies. We went back to mine – I figured it would be fine, he liked dogs apparently. He’d had Labradors…well behaved normal dogs. Are they like Airedale Terriers in any way, shape or form? Um, no, not so much. Anyway, I let him into my home, my beautifully cleaned ‘check me out’ chick pad. The dogs went absolutely nuts. Really nuts. He shouted with terror in his eyes ‘Oh my! They are big’ as they jumped up and down at him as if he were in fact a giant Bonio. Who put my dogs on speed tonight!?! I seem to remember Paddington (my dog, not the bear. I don’t have The Paddington Bear in my house) head butted him at one point and my date was cornered in the hall. I was scrabbling like a demented woman for the back door keys in order to get the dogs out – knowing my date was one foot out of the front door already. I always keep the keys in the kitchen drawer, always, but I couldn’t find them anywhere. I literally searched the entire house as if my life depended on it. There was me tottering around in my heels, shouting ‘down’ a lot at the dogs, panicking as to where the f*ck I’d put the keys.

And then it dawned on me, there was only one place I hadn’t searched….the kitchen bin. In all my nerves I had put the keys in the kitchen bin. The bin. The big, smelly, almost as tall as me kitchen bin. I could have cried, I really could. I hate bins, they smell and make me wretch. The phrase ‘Yes Miss Hodgson, you will die alone, surrounded by Airedales’ sprang to mind a lot, it still does. I casually remarked to my date, who by now was very much covered in dog spit and scratch marks, ‘Oh the keys must have fallen into the bin’ Yeah likely. Keys just don’t do that kind of thing. I then proceeded to empty the entire contents of the bin onto the kitchen floor, whilst still trying to look hot in my heels. I waded through the pile of food and rubbish until I found the damn keys. Ten minutes, it felt like ten hours, of bin foraging through watery eyes….Needless to say I found the keys and got the dogs out. Needless to say I was utterly humiliated and smelt of bin, needless to say I still shudder at the memory. But the funniest bit….THAT absolute disaster resulted in a second date. I have no idea why or how. One can only assume he was high on bin fumes.

See…even when you behave like a complete idiot, when you really think it can’t get much worse, there is always a silver lining and some reason to laugh it out and keep smiling….so go on, laugh at me, I really don’t mind. The whole point of sharing this is my hope that it will make one of you smile tonight.

And for the record, no I didn’t learn. I’m still useless at looking cool and can often be found making a chump of myself in my daily life. I figure it makes everyone else look better and after all it has inspired me to get this started. Cup of tea anyone? Bourbon? We have a lot to talk about.

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